“Hi, I’m Richard Contreras, I am the executive chef and co-owner of Raul’s in Astoria, Queens. My style of cooking is a southern contemporary fused with a latin american flare. I picked up a lot of techniques during my time in Peru. When I was 21 I was out of work, fresh out of culinary school. I couldn’t find a job so my older brother and I decided to go stay with our grandfather for 2 months in Lima, Peru. We fell in love with Peruvian food and their culture of barbecuing and partying into the night (Awoo wolf sound effect). After that, me and my brother opened Raul’s, named after my grandfather. If I had to choose one reason why I want to win, it’s my grandfather. He was diagnosed with Leukemia last year and if I win, I will use the money to go visit him again and to pay for some of his medical-” “Ok, let's cut it there,” said the woman with glasses. She peered down at the black three ringed binder in her hand and flipped the page over to the back side. “Ok please pick one of the following options: ‘Today, I’m gonna flambé my opponents with my latin american flair!’ or ‘Once I get heated up, my opponents aren’t gonna know what hit them.’ or ‘Today, it’s time to put queens on the map and opponents in the garbage disposal.’” Nobody really talks like this, I thought to myself. “Can I just say my own thing um, … yeah is that cool?” I asked the woman with glasses. I squinted into the brightness of the light precisely illuminating my face and body. Glasses was standing about four feet back, positioned slightly obscured by Camera 1 and its operator. She looked up from her notes, with her eyes glazed over with some kind of polite 2 loathing. Camera 2 and Camera 3 looked at each other and then Camera 3 made a face at Camera 2 and then they both looked back at their monitors. “It’s a lot better for the edit if you just read one of the options.” “Ok that’s fine, no problem haha” I said, suddenly very aware of the number of cameras trained on me. “What were the options again?” The woman without glasses sighed and rolled her eyes at me and said something into her walkie talkie. She was standing on the opposite side of Camera 1 a bit further back next to the DP who was picking his nose. I hadn’t had as much interaction with her today as Glasses, but I had noticed how remarkably similar the two women were, both in stature and severity. They were both aggressively blond and blue eyed, both equally shiny and radiant in their skin texture, although Glasses carried it in an almost queasy way. She rattled off the options again. “‘Today, I’m gonna flambé my opponents with my latin american flair!’ or ‘Once I get heated up, my opponents aren’t gonna know what hit them.’ or ‘Today, it’s time to put queens on the map and opponents in the garbage disposal.’” “Ok um.. Today I’m gonna flambé my opponents with my special latin flair” I said confidently. Glasses stared down at her binder miserably. “Can you try one of the other ones?” She said again “Ummm, ok wasn’t it like,,, Today, it’s time to put my opponents in a blender, and-” “OK great! We can cut that together no problem, HEY DAVE! …. DAVE! YOU CAN WALK IN THE OTHER CONTESTANTS NOW, thank you Dave” No Glasses said as she looked back at me, smiled for the minimum interval of time for it to register as acknowledgement, and quickly zipped back around. “GUYS LET’S GO TO SHOW LOOK PLEASE AND THANK YOU.” 3 There were 4 chef stations, conjoined in pairs of two, each with a cooktop behind it. The ovens were preheated to 375 for each of us. We also had a salt and pepper shaker and a half a liter of olive oil. The three other contestants filled into the remaining stations to the right of me. On the end was a guy, a little older and whiter than me. I couldn’t read his name tag but he had his arms crossed and was staring confidently ahead with the self assuredness of a man who probably owns a boat. At the second station was a tiny woman probably generously around 4 '11. I could make out that her name tag said Miyori. Her set of knives were a custom set of Yoshihiros. “CAN WE GET WORK LIGHTS OFF PLEASE?! PLEASE AND Thank you people!” yelled No Glasses across the set. “Does anyone have eyes on Ted?” she yelled into her walkie talkie. “Hey good luck man,” said the guy closest to me. He was dark brown skinned and stocky, peering under the cooking surface. He quickly looked back up at me and smiled. As his head turned his hair maintained its shape like a wax figure. He reached out his rubber bracelet clad arm. “I’m Rohit. Dude, did you go to CIA? I knew a guy at CIA that looked just like you but he was Mexican now that I think about it. Yeah and I don’t know if you're Mexican or not but even if you were, I still don’t think you’re the guy I’m thinking of.” “No man, I'm not Mexican, I’m Richard,” I offered.“I didn’t go to the CIA either.” “Oh dude. Yeah. Nice, yeah. He was a really nice guy.” He kept smiling at me. I smiled back in slight bewilderment. “Yeah man. And handsome too” I joked. “Nah, pretty normal looking I think. He was a shitty chef too, I hope you don’t suck like he did. I want a good game today haha. Yo, but like, when I look at you, I like to hear your voice 4 with a Mexican accent. It’s crazy bro he's like your long lost latino brother man,” he said, out of breath a little. Rohit was inexplicably sweating bullets as beads traced and slid down his hairline and his cheek. The glacier or hair gel atop his head was intact though and his gaze uncomfortably rested somewhere right between my eyebrows. “I’m half Peruvian,” I offered. “Oh dude, nice. I don’t even see color though seriously. Are you hot? It’s fucking hot in here man. And I gotta fucking pee but that lady with the glasses kept saying they are on a ‘tight schedule.’” The crew had been somewhat cagey all day, I thought to myself. They didn’t let me smoke a cigarette after I showed up in the morning. They put my phone in a locker right away and just had me sit in some vestibule with no windows for like an hour when they finally called me in to do my intro. “Yeah it’s hot man. But good luck, this should be fun.” “OK EVERYBODY MR. ALLEN IS WALKING LETS GO TO PLACES. LET’S PLEASE ROLL AUDIO AND VIDEO ANDDDDD ACTION!” We heard distant footsteps coming from the distance. “Oh shit. Famous guy,” whispered Rohit. His eyes were locked ahead but he extended his fist for a bump. I whiffed it a little but made enough contact. “I'm a starstruck man. He probably gets tons of chicks dude. He’s rich as hell man, you know he’s been doing this show for like 20 years.” “Ted Allen is gay, man,” I said under my breath. “He was on Queer Eye.” 5 “Dude nah, Ted Allen isn’t on Queer Eye man, me and my girl watch that show. Antoni is the food guy.” “Can we get QUIET ON SET PLEASE!” screamed No Glasses from across the room. She raised her hands in questioning, and her eyes shot daggers at me, pinning my posture into position. I pretended to be looking at something straight ahead. Rohit sneezed into his sleeve and followed suit. The footsteps were getting closer, echoing along the walls of the large concrete room. A Ted Allen-shaped apparition emerged out of the abject darkness behind the lighting fixtures. As it came closer into the light, that Ted Allen shaped figure slowly revealed that it was in fact Television’s Ted Allen. The set became deafeningly quiet all of a sudden. “4 Chefs. 3 Courses. Only one chance to win. The challenge: Create an unforgettable meal from the mystery items hidden in these baskets before time runs out.” But something was going on with this Ted Allen. He had an insane look in his eyes, they looked cold but aggressive like a wild animal. He smiled at us and tilted his head to the left. In person, Ted Allen’s front teeth were kinda sharp, huh? I figured I had just never noticed that before. The panel of judges filled in behind Ted. I saw Aarón Sánchez, Amanda Freitag and whatever the Italian guy’s name is. The young one with the beard, not the older one. “Welcome Chefs. Here are the Rules. There are three rounds: appetizer, entree, and dessert. Each round there will be a mystery basket with 4 ingredients. You must use every ingredient in the basket in some way. Also available to you is our pantry and fridge.” “Ted, would you mind turning to address the camera a little bit?” came a nervous voice from the dark. It was Glasses. She had again positioned herself strategically behind camera one to avoid confrontation. 6 Ted paused. He turned to look at the rude voice from the dark. “Do you really think it matters Julia? On a day like today? Maybe another day this month but today?” He was looking at her directly, as if he had x-ray vision. “We only get to do this once. ONCE JULIA. Now can I get a quiet set and that means ALL OF YOU!” He called out into the dark. Glasses or Julia I guess was her name didn't answer him for a long time. The whole cast and crew stood there in silence. I watched Camera 2 gulp nervously. Julia didn’t answer, she just stood completely still like she was trying to disappear. After a long pause, No Glasses broke the silence, “Alright everybody you heard him! Let’s keep it pushing, thank you!” Ted turned back to us. He immediately resumed his hosting persona. “Contestants, please open your baskets. For the appetizer course you must use: guajillo peppers, guava candies, fresh turmeric, and liver.” The corners of Ted’s mouth crept up a little as his ingredient announcement came to an end. He caught Rohit’s gaze for a split second. Intimidated, Rohit averted his eyes down to the ingredients laid before him and he started scanning through his mental rolodex of recipes. The sauce holding his hair was beginning to break. Ted’s head creaked slowly towards me with his eyes dead set forward, his pupils latching on to nothing on their path from Rohit to me. I felt the most solitary and frigid bead of cold sweat drip directly right down my spine and into my ass crack. The wind escaped my lungs for a second as I missed one complete breath, interrupting the rhythm of the unrelenting steam of breaths pumping in and out of my lungs, a rhythm whose onset I had failed to notice until now. Ok Guajillo peppers. Guava candies. Fresh Turmeric. Liver. Got it ok so… so it’s guajillos, guava candies, turmeric, liver. Ok. So… oh god I don’t even know what those taste like, 7 how spicy are they? Ok calm down. Guajillos, turmeric, and liver? Oh and the candies oh Jesus Christ what the fuck and I gonna make? I flashed back to every single episode I had ever seen, wondering how the contestants managed to fumble with such simple ingredients but in that moment I was failing to even keep all four ingredients in between my ears. I looked back at Ted. He was still staring at me, wide eyed enough that I could see the top and the bottom of his iris. I once again became hyper aware of the rhythm of my breath. He looked at me. He swallowed the saliva in his mouth and then his fangs crept out again, slightly and just in the corner. “Time starts now.” I heard commotion coming from my right as the other chefs sprang into action but Ted and I stood there, both completely still. My chest was starting to really rise up and down now but he was completely motionless. Then, he shook his wrist and pulled it up to check his watch. “Ok contestants, good luck.” I looked down at the cutting board and the basket. Guava candies and liver. Fuck. “BEHIND,” I heard Miyori yell behind me shrilly. Her apparent nerves somehow thawed me out enough to turn and watch her. She was running over to the pantry to my left and immediately started to grab the onions and garlic. But then she started to grab the carrots and the daikon radish and vinegar and that's about where she lost me. The older white dude ran over to the pantry too, his nametag said Gene. He started grabbing red wine, shallots, and dijon. Alright, so the old timer over there is making french, go figure, I thought to myself. I wondered what Rohit was making. Rohit was still staring at his ingredients, specifically the liver. He was studying it closely but looked confused. “Hey umm… What kind of liver is this?” 8 I took a closer look at it. Rohit was right, I had assumed it was a cow's liver but yeah no I didn’t know what it was. It was bloody for sure, and big so not any type of bird, but distinctly not pork, or beef or lamb or bear or I don’t know. “Mr. Allen? Hey Mr. Ted Allen?” Asked Rohit again. “What kind of liver is it?” “Mr. Allen does not answer direct questions during the rounds,” emphasized No Glasses from her director’s chair. “18 minutes, Chef,” said Ted Allen with a smile. Oh shit I haven’t even started, I thought to myself. Ok so if I don’t know what this liver is I just have to cook it hot. I could grill it? If I don’t know what kind of liver that is, I just have to grill it hot and fast. Oh! Ok how about like Anticuchos! Ok and if I just do a marinade in some cumin, chili, salt, pepper, onion, garlic we can use the turmeric in that spice blend. It’ll have a more kebab vibe that way I guess but I feel like they like the fusion shit. So let’s make a sauce first. Maybe I can do a kinda latin tzatziki too with the guajillos? Or no fuck that let’s not reinvent the wheel, I’ll just make a salsa verde with guajillo. And I guess,,, caramelize the candies and brighten up the salsa at the end. Ok yeah that’s good enough for now. I hope everyone else isn’t finessing right now. I looked over at Rohit. Sweat was pouring out of his forehead. He was standing over the cooktop propped up on both fists still staring at the ingredients. Gene and Miyori were plugging away behind him, both with excellent technique and finesse indeed but Rohit looked like he was having an anxiety attack. Ok I thought to myself. I just have to beat that guy. 9 “2 minutes chefs” I had my skewers on the heat and they were starting to sear up and darken. By this point we were all working feverishly, even Rohit seemed to have a kinda sauteed meat and veggie thing going on. I had already taken care of the plating, the salsa was already nicely smeared across my plates. I just had to get the skewers on but they were cooking really slow. I was scared they were gonna burn so I took them off the heat and plated them. The timer said 1:35. And so I stood there, a minute and a half remaining when the burst of cortisol finally dropped on my nervous system and I started to freak the fuck out. What kind of liver is this? I’ve never had liver cook like this, it’s so lean! Why are the people on this set so weird? I hope I don’t get eliminated in the first round but like the second round would be fine. I just don’t wanna look like a bitch but I wanna get out of here and I need a cigarette bad man really bad. “5…4…3…2…1 and time is up chefs!” exclaimed Ted. “Please step away from your plates.” Mine looked fine. For sure too simple. Just skewers and a sauce. I was really scared the meat was underdone too. Gene’s dish looked insanely good. He did some sort of paté thing and he roasted the guajillos. Miyori made banh mi. She actually cooked the liver two ways, once as the paté spread and the other pan seared and brightened up with the guava. And Rohit… Oh holy shit Rohit left off the liver. It was sitting there on the stove half cooked. “Hope that doesn’t do me in,” he said trying to sound casual but I watched as he stood there biting his lip in frustration. Miyori and Gene were both also staring at their dishes, harshly 10 criticizing their past selves. Damn these guys are pros. Their food looks good but they’re still angry. Mine looks like you would pay for it with change. “Alright contestants, we are going to all turn at once and walk in a single file line. You will then NEATLY line up in front of the judges tables thank you kindly! Here we go and a 1 2 3 TURN!” Yelled No Glasses as she gestured at us where to walk. “Aaaaand STOP THERE! Very nicely done, thank you for cooperating.” It occurred to me that they had been walking us around like sheep all day. “Your judges today are: Culinary icon Aarón Sanchez. Award Winning cookbook author Amanda Freitag. And last but not least, master of Italian cuisine Mr. Scott Conant,” announced Ted. Oh yeah that's his name I thought. As I stood there I started to realize each of the judges had the same bizarro look in their eyes that Ted did. They looked gluttonously hungry and they were all poised and ready to try the food. Ted stood there beside them. The iconic and massive Chopped cleaver was lying on the table in front of him. “First up, Chef Richard.” Glasses was standing off to my left. As I started to look around for guidance she gestured at me to introduce my dish. Oh right yeah ok I guess I would call i-” “Today for you I have Mediterranean Peruvian Anticuchos with a side of guajillo and guava tomatillo salsa.” The judges started to pick at my food. Amanda cut open a chunk of liver off the skewer. It was undercooked. Really pink. I started to sweat on the back of my neck. What kind of liver is this? I thought angrily I had the grill going really hot man, how did they not cook through.? 11 I turned to look at Scott and he had… Woah he picked the skewers clean? Aarón had done the same thing shockingly and when I looked back at Amanda she was starting on her second one already. “I really love your skewers, you got a great char on the meat but didn’t pulverize the inside.” Said Aarón. “I agree with my partner here and yeah if you know anything about me, the rarer the better.” He said with a smirk. “I don’t love the salsa though, I think the guajillo is overpowering but I do taste the guava. And I do agree with the other judges that this meat is fantastic, I wish there was more to be honest.” Exclaimed Amanda, more excitedly than I had ever seen her on TV. “Thank you chefs,” I said, astonished. Then I took a step back and my head really started to spin. I cannot actually believe they liked it. There was barely anything on the plate and It was so so so so underdone, I didn’t know what to do with this weird ass liver. They still haven’t addressed it either. What kind of game show doesn't tell the cooks their ingredients? And why do the judges look like that? Is that just what famous people look like in real life? I’m pretty sure they usually ravage the plates like that either, they looked like wild animals eating that shit. I continued to spiral, not really able to focus on what the judges were saying. I was feeling particularly disturbed by the whole experience of being on Chopped so far. I vaguely overheard them praising Gene’s dish for its craft but being disappointed with the lack of flavor from the other ingredients. I came back down to earth as they were finishing up the criticism of Miyori’s dish. “I found there to be too much bread though,” said Scott slyly. “The flavors are good but next round try to get your portions together sweetheart.” 12 What a fucking creep that guy is, I thought to myself. Miyori nodded politely and thanked the judges as she stepped back into position. She looked rattled by their comments and I saw her start to spiral the same way I had. “Finally we have chef Rohit,” announced Ted. “ Now Rohit, I understand you failed to get your liver on to the plate. While that is not immediate grounds for disquali-” “Sorry excuse me sorry Ted, I mean, Mr. Allen,” Rohit interrupted, “And judges, if I may umm, what was that liver? Because I work with liver, I was a butcher. And I haven’t ever seen this in rotation anywhere. I’m sorry I didn’t plate it but it took forever to cook and it was underdone.” Everyone was silent for a moment. I could tell that even the camera people off to my left were holding their breath. No Glasses broke the silence, “Mr. Allen is not at liberty to answer your questions at this time.” “Ok also sorry but like… why are you talking like a cop? Or like his lawyer or something? Today has been really weird to be honest and you guys won’t even let me take a piss so I’m sorry if I lose my cool,” said Rohit, who was clearly starting to lose his cool. “I know I’ll probably get sent home so I’d like to know what I was cooking please.” “I’d like to know too for the record,” chimed in Gene. It was the first time I had heard him speak all day, “I’ve been in the restaurant world for 38 years and I’ve never seen this cut before.” Miyori nodded in agreement but she still didn’t say a thing. “Ok gentlemen let’s please calm down,” seethed Ted Allen commandingly, “Everything will be explained after judging so let’s get through this shall we?” 13 “I want to know too,” I heard myself say. All eyes in the room shot over towards me all of a sudden. “I mean… um yeah. The liver cooked weirdly. It was lean, and gamey. Mine was undercooked too and I frankly don’t understand why you guys liked it so much.” No Glasses jumped in to defend them “Please stop interrupting, If you had forgotten we are on a TV set there are RULES in place and you can’t just disrespect our judges.” The panel considered me for a moment and then, one by one, turned to look at Ted as if wondering what they were supposed to say in this situation. Ted stood there silently. All eyes were back on him, all mouths waiting with baited breath. Then a soft voice came from the dark, “Sorry but um, I don’t think we can use any of that. Do you think we could take it back from “That is no immediate grounds for disqualification?” It was Julia speaking, Julia the assistant director, with the glasses. I looked back at Ted at the precise moment his facade completely snapped. His eyes practically lit on fire as he began to scream. “WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MATTER IF WE GET THE TAKE OR NOT JULIA? ARE YOU A COMPLETE MORON OR DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU AGAIN?” His voice took on a demonic quality as it reverberated throughout the dark and massive warehouse room. ”WE CAN ONLY DO THIS ONCE! Does that not make sense to you? It doesn't matter if we don’t get the perfect take. Do you really think that Chopped will continue after this? Do you? Julia, did you really think we were gonna try to get away with it?” Julia shrieked and cowered away and ducked further behind the camera to avoid Ted’s line of sight. Ok, what the fuck is he talking about? 14 Ted turned to the judges. “Let’s just skip the deliberation phase, why don’t we. They’re starting to get the picture don’t you think? Let’s just do it, it’s him right?” He pointed at Rohit. “I mean he left the fucking liver off the plate. That’s the only part you freaks want to eat.” Aarón shrugged and sat back in his chair. Scott pretended to look at the ceiling. Only Amanda sat forward with her mouth between her clasped hands. After a long pause she nodded and raised her eyebrows at Ted. “Alright. Go ahead then.” Rohit began to step backwards with abject terror on his face. He opened his mouth to speak but before he could Ted Allen had grabbed a handful of his hair and held him out in front of him at arm's length. “Fantastic. Chef Rohit, you’ve been chopped.” All of us looked on in horror as Ted Allen grabbed the cleaver from the table beside him, raised it, and brought it down swiftly on Rohit's neck. His head rolled on the floor.
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